Dating Advice: What is it That Can Define a Relationship?
December 20th, 2009 | by admin |
People are compatible on many levels – Opposites sometimes attract and detract; sexual and appearance attraction; intellectual attractions. But one common defining aspect of a long-term relationship like marriage, is children and whether or not one or the other wants to be involved in raising them.
For most males and females, the urge to procreate…or “biological clock” is a ticking time bomb. As much as one can say “they never want children” publicly, the private and deep seeded need to have children is always there.
Noted psychologist Abraham Maslow proposed in his 1943 paper A Theory of Human Motivation:
“..that as humans meet ‘basic needs’, they seek to satisfy successively ‘higher needs’ that occupy a set hierarchy..”
One of the “higher needs” include family. Sex itself, is considered a basic need, but having more to do with the need to reproduce and “extend the bloodline” than the simple pleasure we all get from it.
Now, from someone who is not a psychologist but an average Joe, this all seems rather technical. But the scientific reasoning is sound according to research at the University of Chicago and University of California at Santa Barbara done in May of 2006.
“..Women are able to subconsciously pick up cues of interest in children in men’s faces and use those cues to determine if they are attracted to them for long-term relationships..”
And this stunner…it doesn’t really matter how attractive physically you are..
“..an important factor in their attraction to men for a long-term relationship was their perception of a man’s affinity for children, even after accounting for their perceptions of men’s general kindness..Our data suggest that men’s interest in children predicts their long-term mate attractiveness even after we account for how physically attractive the women rated the men..”
In his Familiaris Consortio (translation: “On the Family”) #15 the former Pope, John Paul II identified “the Family” as the building block of society..
“..it’s fundamental task, the procreation of children…(and that) the value of a childless married relationship can be enhanced by the involvement…of children other than their own, by adoption, fostering, teaching, or charitable work with the sick or disabled..”
Even if you aren’t Roman Catholic (and I’m not), his reasoning certainly can extend to relationships for those who don’t intend to have children. Newlyweds themselves are a potential family…no one is arguing that they shouldn’t consider themselves a family if they don’t have children, are they? No one ceases to be a family upon the death of their only child…and brothers and sisters don’t cease to be a family if they lose their parents.
In other words: Family values don’t necessarily mean reproductive values. For our purposes, the ability and openness to a more lasting bond indicates the value of a solid relationship.
Greg Alan
http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/dating-advice-what-is-it-that-can-define-a-relationship-81283.html
11 Responses to “Dating Advice: What is it That Can Define a Relationship?”
By Katie N on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
I need relationship advice, badly. Please help me?
I have been in a relationship with this boy, Jeff for a year now. We were each others first everything. First serious relationship, first love, we even lost our virginities to each other.
Everything was going SO perfectly for us. We were happy and just amazing together. But the one day,about 3 weeks ago he decided he only wanted to be friends.
At that point, there were only 2 weeks of the summer left and i was going to move into college after those 2 weeks.
For those 2 weeks I was so upset and heart broken
But we were still hanging out A LOT, we were having a ton of fun together but we were still doing things like cuddling and stuff like we were when we were dating.
But he was still "single" and i was still "single"
so anyway, last week i moved to college, but its only 10 minutes away from our town. jeff came up to see me the first day i moved in.
and he has been up almost everyday for my first week there
but i also made a ton of friends and have beeen having such a good time there
so for the past week while i have been at college and he has been coming to see me, we have been doing so many more things
we have been cuddling, holding hands, sleeping together, kissing each other goodnight. he even calls me his girlfriend sometimes.
i have been so confused
i think he is doing this, becuase he sees how much fun i am having there, and that IF i wanted to get over him, i could
because for those 2 weeks before, i was just sitting at home crying over himm
but onve i got to college that changed
so i think he is seeing how he could lose me
we never talked about any of this stuff though
ui never asked him to define what we are doing and he never asked me
we just let it happen
it is obvious to me, and my friends, and people around me, that he still has feelings for me. because why else would he be doing this with me
HE was the one to make all the first moves, he was the one who held my hand first, held me in bed first, kissed me… etc
he did them for the first times since we broke up
it was all him, not me
so last night we were in bed and cuddling and he looked at me and said to me..
"i was thinking about things today, about how we cuddle and sleep together and hold hands and stuff. i know we do all of those things, but i still dont have feelings for you"
and i looked at him and said
"i dont believe you when you say that"
and he just turned away
i dont know whats going on
i dont want to tlak to him about it because i know he is going to try to tell me he has no feelings for me when i KNOW he does
but i dont want to lose him
i dont know
i am really confused
i dont know what i should do
everyoine is telling me to just stop and not see him anymore
but i dont want to do that
ii dont know should ii just give it some time?
i need advice. please
hes not seeing another girl
he always tells me how he doesnt want to see any other girls
i know its long.. sorry :p
and the question doesnt give you all the information
i could probably type about this situation for hours, but i didnt :p
By flypup0194 on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
Some advice, shorten your question.
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By crazy mama on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
maybe he is seeing another girl..=D…just tell him bye bye..and find another man..
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By perky on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
if it makes you this upset then call it off. It’s not worth it!
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By sharonsmineonly on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
He still cares about you and enjoys being with you BUT since you are gone..even if its 10 minutes he wants 2 things to be accomplished with this "break up" I think he wants to be the one that does the controlling of the relationship so if you find someone else he is the one that broke up with you..and…if he does he wont be cheating on you since you are broken up….its basically called Keeping his options open.
He might still care about you but might be worried that you have been together so long and the only one hes been with, that hes missing something.
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By KelseyMichelle on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
talk to him about it.
sounds like he has feelings for you
or he doesnt want to be with you,
but he wants you for himself.
understand that?
and thats not fiar for you to keep holding onto him if hes moving on,
and just keeping you from other guys.
maybe he just doesnt want to see you happy,
he seems like he wants you to be chasing him ,
while hes chasing other girls.
i dont know if that makes sense.
but tell him this
"If you dont have feelings for me anymore then its not fair for you to keep doing things with me. If you don’t love me anymore then stop doing these things. I stil have feelings for you, but if you don’t this isn’t fair at all and I need to move on."
not excatly that but put it in your own words.
hope everything turns out okay for you.
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By alohagirl612 on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
Wow… That was really long…….. So props to me for reading it!!! So anyway, back to your issue. Its obvious that you still have feelings for him.. right? So tell him. Say, "I still have feelings for you" but tell him that you don’t like the fact that he is cuddling with you, and sleeping with you, but then telling you that you guys are not dating.. Sorry, but if some guy is sleeping with you, then you are either having multiple one-night stands, or he is dating you. No other way around it.
I know you don’t want to lose him, but you need to let him know that what he’s doing is not ok. If he tells you that it is, its not. Let him know that. From what I hear, it sounds like he’s taking advantage of you. Especially since you said something along the lines of how he can see you having fun. I’m sure you are more than able to get another boyfriend in college, and now that he sees that he’s jealous.
He sounds like a piece of digestive waste to me.
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By imintowater on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
Girl, what are you doing to yourself? Your boyfriend says that to you, and that’s your response? I would think that if I said something like that to a woman I’ve been nailing, I would quickly get a foot to my butt, and get thrown out of her house, post haste. You say you don’t want to dump him, but where is your relationship going to be in a few years? No offense, but it sounds like he’s playing you for sex. That’s all. You know you’re going to meet someone who loves you truly, and deeply. Why let your boyfriend get it for free? Tell him to get lost.
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By Bitter Sweetâ„ on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
aww.. honestly do not waste your time on him!
How confusing.
I think that he’s using you in a way mabey trying to REPLACE
some one else with you and thats horrible. You should be the one to draw the line and say
if you don’t have feelings for me or love me the way you use to then
why are you doing this to me? Tell him that friends don’t kiss on the lips and cuddle in bed… ask him and be straigt. Just ask him, ”why do you kiss me if it doesn’t mean anything or you so called don’t have feelings for me?”
Dude he is confusing,proabably confused with himself, and he’s playing mind games with you.
I think you should just be straight with him, and you shouldn’t let him do any of those things with him (even if u want to) because, he was the one to say that you guys should be friends. So treat him like a friend and not a mate.
I have so much more advice but no time to type…
so good luck and I hope things work out between you guys =)
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My brain
By miraculous* on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
ok me reading this he still loves you because he is seeing you all the time and friends obviously dont do that. He is visiting you becasue he misses you, and you are right he dont wanna looose you again like he already did the first time. Next time you see him, tell him "do you love me or not, and if you dont, dont see me anymore" .. He is probably going to say no because he wants to move on with his life, and find someone else, or is just mad that you are in college and is afraid you are going to cheat on him, but again if he says no at that point leave him and move on. You have a whole life to live, and it seems like he is wasting your time right now. But if he says yes say with him. Start over a new leaf right now, if he is not right for you, there will be other guys in the world he would treat you more.
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By doingthepanic on Dec 20, 2009 | Reply
I’m sorry that you’re being strung on by a guy who says he doesn’t care anymore. I was in the exact same boat when my high school boyfriend and I started college. He was so jealous about all the fun I was having that he didn’t want to let go, but he also wouldn’t admit that he still wanted to be with me.
If he says he doesn’t want to see any other girls, he still has feelings for you. but if he won’t admit that, he is totally not worth it. It’s hard to believe once you’ve shared so much with someone, but you CAN do better.
After I finally left my ex, I held out for a couple of years for someone that I knew would be worth it. I dated a lot but had no relationship until my current one, and I am so glad that I waited until I found him.
In my opinion, you should tell him that if he doesn’t care, he shouldn’t come see you. Try to make a lot of new friends. You will have so much more fun when you’re not being led on, and college is such a great opportunity to start out fresh.
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personal experience with a stupid boy