Relationship Advice: Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce

February 22nd, 2010 | by admin |

Although divorce can seem and feel a lot like a death has occurred in the family, in reality a part of you has died or ceased, in a sense. And before moving on in relationships, it helps to go through similar stages you would with mourning a loss.

Step I: Acceptance

First you need to face facts that you are now divorced. Acceptance means no more thinking your ex-mate will change or that you will change. It also means you will not be getting back together in a married relationship with that person any longer, so you need to accept that you have your family, friends and ‘things,’ and your ex-mate has his or hers and move on – period.

Step II: Mourn / Grieve

You need to allow yourself plenty of time and space to grieve and mourn your losses. This includes grieving over losses of your ex-mate’s family (parents, siblings, etc.) and friends, co-workers, shared neighbors, etc. It also means mourning old family rituals you’d maintained and even developed together in marriage, crying when you take out a box of engraved ornaments during Christmas, for example. Mourning is natural, so feel and let it out. Don’t hold the hurt inside.

If you feel the pain is too much to bear or find you are too depressed for too long, seek help. Ask close friends and relatives or your family doctor for referrals or check the Yellow Pages. A good counselor or clergy member may be able to help you sort out your negative feelings and overcome them.

Step III: Adjust

Next it’s time to move on and make adjustments for your new style of living. Don’t rush into ‘change’ but rather take time to investigate your new environment. Especially in the areas of relationships, you don’t want to rush out and start dating and getting deeply involved right away.

Instead, let dust settle. And make sure to take a time out to see what happened with your failed relationship. It takes two to make a relationship, even if one party did major damage. And you don’t want to repeat your mistakes by parenting up wrong again. So take time to see what went wrong.

Step: IV Rebuild

After you’ve had time to take stock in your environment to see what were the negative and positive points about your failed relationship, begin anew. You don’t need to have a mate to survive and enjoy life. And maybe you’ll want to not date for awhile.

Start a diary or journal about your new life and grow, allowing yourself plenty or room for new friendships first, then slowly try relationship building on deeper levels to see what you think.

Just remember, slow and steady does it. It’s a process!

Bj At BuzzOnRelationships.com
http://www.articlesbase.com/advice-articles/relationship-advice-rebuilding-your-life-after-divorce-118225.html

  1. 8 Responses to “Relationship Advice: Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce”

  2. By Aaron A on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    Serious advice please, on divorce.?
    I met my husband right after I turned 19, I had just gotten out of a relationship with a guy who didn’t treat me very well and C was a nice guy. We didn’t hit it off at first, he is very shy and I basically had to force him to talk to me on our first date. I think I really talked myself into dating him, I had never dated a shy guy, always guys who had to be the center of attention and that always caused problems. C is a good person, honest and hardworking. We spent the next 4 years in college dating and most of the time we hung out with with friends so at the time it didn’t seem to be a problem that we had very little in common. When we graduated from college and I got a job in another state it just seemed natural that we would get engaged and he would move with me. We had problems with incompatibilty before but here’s where it really started. We’re complete opposites, and have nothing in common other than the school we went to and our pets. We got out to dinner and have absolutely nothing to talk about, and he’s okay with that but I’m not. After 2 years of being engaged we ended up getting married but I wanted to back out so many times. I kept telling myself its just cold feet, it happens to everyone, you can’t back out now that you’ve already started planning and sent out save the dates, etc. Now we’ve been married for 3 years and for the first couple of years I tried everything to try and establish a line of communication with him or a common passion or goal, even a friendship. We also have no sex life to speak of and have not since before we even got married but its impossible for me to have sex with someone that have no emotional connection too. After a couple of years of reading books and trying to find new hobbies I basically gave up. We had been together for 8 years by then and I figured it just wasn’t going to happen and we’d continue to live our same old boring life together.
    Now here’s the bad part. I fell in love with a co-worker who I’ve been working closely with for the last 5 years. We share a passion in our work, we are very much alike and have similiar interests. We can sit and talk to each other for 8 hours straight (while waiting on a delayed plane) with complete ease. We have an amazing connection and always have and its something I’ve never shared with anyone. This is not your everyday run of the mill infatuation. I realize people say the grass is always greener on the other side but this is not it, I wish I had better words to express this but we’ve been in love with each other secretly for over a year and it hasn’t faltered no matter what has happened. Our relationship is one of those where we match each other so perfectly that even our coworkers can see it and have for years before we even knew it. We’ve been having people ask us for years if we’re married, not because we’re physically close in anyway, just because of our connection and the way we can read each others minds, etc.
    My husband found out about the affair through e-mails and told his wife and we are now supposed to be rebuilding our marriages but neither one of our hearts are in it. His marriage has been very much like mine, met his wife at 14, although he’s older and has two kids (age 17 & 18) with her. We’re both absolutely miserable and know its the right thing to do to try and be with our spouses but its so hard when we know that our true love is out there and our lives could be so much more fulfilling. My question is do you stay in a marriage just because you know its the right thing to do? Just to make your spouse happy? Just not to be embarrassed in front of your family and friends? It would take a lot of guts for me to leave my marriage, especially since I know I shouldn’t but I feel I would be much happier if I did, even if I couldn’t be with the man I love. I just do not have any feelings for my spouse other than those of mild friendship and even then, nothing to talk about or in common. It hurts to say that too because he believes he really loves me but I feel like he doesn’t even know who I am (especially since we never talk about our thoughts and feelings and never have.) My husband is trying really hard to make this work and I am having a hard time forcing myself to even be around him. Please help me, I’m scared to death at this crossroads. I would hurt him, embarrass myself, and my family as well as his, but it is worth it to be unhappy for the rest of my life because of that?
    I have NOT been living a life with this person for the last 5 years. We’ve been co-workers for 5 years and just started talking to each other as more than co-workers less than a year ago. I had been trying to work on my relationship with C since the very beginning, I put every ounce of effort I had into it for 8 years with little to nothing from him in return and I finally gave up a couple of years ago. It was like we were just going through the motions of life, rather than living it. Its so hard to explain if you’ve never been in the situation, the fantasy response is the typical response, but I’m a smart well grounded woman and I really feel like that doesn’t apply to me. I did not want this, and wasn’t looking for this, neither was he. And I’m asking even without him, if I should stay in my marriage? I’m considering leaving even if we won’t be together. According to everything everyone says we’re supposed to stay together, but why be unhappy the rest of your life?

  3. By Lily on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    He deserves someone who truly loves him. Leave.
    References :

  4. By Debi on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    Staying married to someone you don’t love is never "the right thing to do".
    References :

  5. By Amanda on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    This is a very difficult situation to be in, and seeing as how you have tried to work on this relationship for a long time and nothing has worked, the chances are that nothing ever will work to save your marriage. Now this other guy, I can’t speak for his current marriage because you haven’t said much about his relationship with his wife other than the fact that they have children together, which makes walking away a lot harder. (at least the kids are almost adults, that helps). If you two are that close and that happy together, I feel like you are better off with this guy. There will be a lot of hurt feelings and a very long and difficult road ahead but it is worth it for you to be happy.
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  6. By red207pilot on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    Nice guys finish where??? See ladies..she likes the bad boy types. and your husband is the nice guy who’s about to get dumped
    References :

  7. By JayB on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    Wow that’s really rough…I guess he never thought things was that bad which is why he never really tried to come out of his comfort zone. I’m really not for divorce but it looks like you married someone that you didnt want to, I’m sorry for that.

    You’ve been in it for a very long time…and I guess you’ve tried a while lot. It makes no sense to be unhappy for the rest of your life, we only have one life. You should be happy and so should he.

    RED…it’s not about being nice, they just don’t have the right chemistry…if you’re not gonna give a serious answer then y’all shouldn’t even click give an answer.
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  8. By ndebt on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    Don’t take this the wrong way but how could you be working on your marriage if you are living in a fantasy world with this other guy for the past five years.

    It is a fantasy not a reality.

    You owe it to him, his wife, your husband to leave him alone. Work on your marriage.

    The reason there is no love is because you have been "loving" someone else.
    References :

  9. By T.Lionheart on Feb 22, 2010 | Reply

    I agree with the last post – how do you work on your marriage when you’re convinced your in love with another guy and spend "8 hours talking"? You’ll day that none of this is your fault and just sort of happened to you, but you should have cut-off communication with the co-worker a long time ago… not just continued on doing whatever made you feel good at everyones expense. Yes, you are in a bad situation but you sound selfish too. I say if you’re going to leave, just do it already! The longer you wait the harder it will be for your husband to get over it.. its not all about you.
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