Relationships

By Nikki♥ Hannah June Due 05/01/10♥ on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

How do I deal with this situation?
So we want My Fiance’s brother to perform our ceremony since he is a minister. We are having an outdoor ceremony. we don’t want it overly religious since I am atheist and don’t feel like a wedding is time to PREACH to non-believers. I am fine with including god in the ceremony because my fiance is a believer and it is what he wants, but we have agreed that it will be minimal. Only one or 2 prayers etc. We don’t want a long ceremony anyways. ANYWAYS this is the email we got from his brother (who lives on the otherside of the country) when we asked him:
" What we could do is talk to a local LC-C pastor there, and see if he’d be willing to be involved. If necessary, perhaps he can sort of sign off on the marriage license/certificate (the civil end of things) while I could perform the actual ceremony. Since I’d have to travel, obviously, and since I strongly believe in some sort of pre-marital Biblical counseling done by a pastor, I think getting connected with such a pastor there is the best way to go. Not to mention getting connected with the church again! (speaking as your big brother and all…)Getting married outside in the new Hollywood-style fashion is all fine and good to a certain extent, yet I really encourage you to do it under the auspices and blessing of the Church. Marriage is, as you probably know, a public commitment of two people to each other in the presence of God…if a person or couple does not want God to be a part of their relationship, obviously that’s a bad thing. Trust me, marriage is a very difficult proposition at times, and we sinners need all the help from God we can get particularly and especially through the forgiveness and guidance we get from His Word and Sacraments, which we receive in the church. Being connected to other believers in a local community of faith is so very important – not just for marriage, but for all of life. You do still believe in Jesus as>your Savior from sin, death, and hell, don’t you? He indeed is our Savior, and so it’s important to live all our lives under Him in the manner He makes clear through ongoing contact with His good Word."

How do I deal with this? This is obviously him trying to push his beliefs on me. I hate when people do that. I don’t push mine on others why should I have to put up with someone else doing it? ESPECIALLY if he is going to do this at my wedding. My fiance doesn’t go to church either, he believes in god but feels he doesn’t need to sit in church bored out of his mind every week to prove this.

Any help on how to deal with this would be great because it is really starting to upset me.
He is Lutheran. I don’t know if that makes a difference. but someone mentioned what his denomination is.
btw their dad is atheist like me, and my fiance believes but doesn’t feel he has to go toa church or chose a specific church. There is always a few beliefs in each church he doesn’t agree with.
It’s only the three of them in the family.
Also, we have always openly discussed our beliefs. neither of us have an issue with the other’s beliefs. I am perfectly fine celebrating christmas, easter etc. I celebrate them with my family right now. I am not anti-religion. but we have discussed it and our kids will never be forced to go to church and will know about ALL religions. not just christianity and atheism. They will know buddhism, islam, judiasm, etc etc. They will have their choice in what they should believe.
valschma…
THAT is exaclty what I have said all my life, and argued with my religion teachers in highschool (went to a catholic highschool). If god created nature and is everywhere with you then why would he not be with you in a garden? It’s ridiculous to think that
I thank most of you for your input. but the few that are being rude, take your rudeness elsewhere. I asked an honest question and a couple of you are acting like I am the worst person in the world and never actually answered the question at hand. Please keep those opinions to yourself. I don’t care what you think about my beliefs I am asking about this situation at hand. Please, answer my question or don’t say anything.
THANKS!

By chinno98 on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Maybe let him know you appreciate his feelings towards god and will consider going to the local pastor. Offer to write up a basic script for the wedding including god but not being so pushy… Hopefully he will get the idea. If he continues to try to push it too much and want to do it his way with all the religion, find someone else. It is YOUR wedding, you need to have it how you want it.
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By ilufthemountains on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

simple – don’t have his brother perform the ceremony. Let him be a guest just like anyone. I don’t know what denomination he is but the Methodist doctrine says a pastor is supposed to counsel with the couple before marriage.

You’re marrying into this family knowing they are religious. How will you feel about Christian holidays and the celebration of them by your husband and his family. Do they know you’re an atheist? Have you and FH discussed the raising of any children in the church or having them baptized etc? I only bring this up because these types of things can do harm to a marriage if they haven’t been discussed prior to the wedding. I’m not looking for you to answer the above, I just know how they can affect a marriage.

I hope you and FH can come to an agreement on your wedding and that you have a long and happy life together.
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By Ashley on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

That email sounded like it was to your fiance. Not to you.
He’s not pushing his beliefs on you. He’s pushing them on your husband–who you say already believes. It’s frowned upon in Christendom to marry outside of Christianity–to be unevenly yolked. It’s only natural that he’d be concerned about his brother.

He sounds like a nice guy. He’s just not willing to compromise HIS beliefs for your wedding. Respect that and find a local pastor to do your wedding.

Also, while they may not be a problem now, I wonder if your differing religious beliefs will be an argument later down the road. I think premarital counseling might be a good idea–just to deal with these problems now rather than later. It doesn’t have to be through the church–just a marriage counselor in general.

Best of luck!
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By iloveweddings on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

I cannot believe that you have put out there for all the world to see a private email from your fiance’s brother!

This is an issue that you AND your fiance need to discuss….not for the whole world to see.

You deal with it yourselves. Call him (or have your fiance call him) and explain how you feel. Why are you asking complete strangers who do not you, your fiance, nor his brother what to do?

You have asked your soon to be brother-in-law to perform your ceremony. Because you know that he is a minister, you must also have known how he feels about his beliefs. As a minister, he most certainly can tell you what he expects from you and your fiance before the weddings ceremony, just as he tells all the others that he marries.

If you feel that strongly….then don’t have the minister/brother perform the ceremony. Get a judge or justice of the peace instead! Case closed….problem solved.

Deal with this yourself and do not post such personal emails. This forum is worldwide.
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By theologygirl on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

If he sees his ministerial duties as incorporating Christian theology to that degree, you’ll just have to do it his way if you want him to perform the service.

I see things both ways. My fiance is atheist and our minister is Unitarian, so no problem. But my father is a minister, and he takes his duties to God and church very seriously. If he doesn’t feel like he can meet his commitments to either, he won’t perform the service. I respect that, completely. And that’s one reason I wouldn’t ask him to perform my ceremony, you know?
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By valschmal on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Well, it sounds more like he is trying to let you know what he believes in and thinks is important for a wedding & marriage, and trying to find out what you believe as well. Maybe he is judging or trying to change you , but that is hard to say just from what he has written.

In any case, you shouldn’t have to do anything you don’t want to. It would be perfectly fine to write or call him back & say that upon evaluation and consideration of his e-mail, you have decided that the type of ceremony you want would make him uncomfortable. Thank him, but tell him that to keep the ceremony within your beliefs you will ask someone else to do it.

I, myself, am a Christian, but I do disagree with him on two things:
1. Nowhere in the Bible does it say marriage is a sacrament. In fact, the Bible doesn’t even have the word "sacrament" in it to my knowledge.
2. Why would an outdoor ceremony not include God? Did He not create all of nature?

It would behoove this guy to study a little more!
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I’m a wedding planner.

By King's Kid on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Ashley and Iloveweddings (above) were both completely right with their answers. I can’t say anything else. This is the beginning of a lifetime with this issue. Are you sure you want to marry someone with such different beliefs?
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By jaded on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

i am so laughing! you had better open the yellow pages pronto and dial yourself up a rent a minister who will come the day of the wedding and do a one shot performance.

this brother is telling you in plain english he wants to do your ceremony AFTER you meet with a church minister, get premarital counseling, join a church, and consult with him on all the above. this is a process that takes the better part of many many months. this is the way ministers of the church believe that marriage should be approached, and if you disagree you had better write him a lovely lovely letter telliing him your plans have changed. you yourself involved him, and you bit off more than you ever thought. his email is not the email a brother would write, it is the email a missionary would write. if that was from my brother i would be very discouraged and would not want him that involved with my wedding. unless your guy is very interested in what his brother will insist on, invite him as a guest and let him do a blessing before dinner at your reception, period.
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By science chick on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

I would find someone else ASAP. It doesn’t even sound like its worth trying to change, he seems to have very set ideas about how things should go and he thinks he is going to help send you to heaven if he succeeds, that’s hard motivation to fight. If he knows you are atheist and that your fiance has no intentions of going back to church, he obviously doesn’t care enough to hold himself back in a preliminary email, what’s going to hold him back the day before the wedding? It just doesn’t seem like its worth the stress. Include him in some other way, possibly by doing one prayer or something religious so that he can have some religious role that your fiance will appreciate without taking away from the ceremony you are looking for. Good luck!
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By Skatin' on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

This is a conscientious minister. A responsible minister can’t just set aside his spiritual leadership just because his brother is marrying a girl that doesn’t like it. It would be the sign of a dishonest person who doesn’t do his job if he were willing to just appear and keep the religion out of the ceremony.

Many denominations require pre-marital counseling with their minister before being married in their church. It’s not just a setting, it’s not just a person to fill the slot in between the bride and groom to them to look right in your ceremony. By marrying you a minister is committing to the idea that it was performed in good faith, not for "show." You can’t ask a minister to show up and perform like a clown – and that seems to be your expectation.

It sounds like you need a civil ceremony. It would be meaningless for you to have a religious ceremony, and it’s insulting to the minister to ask that he put aside his beliefs (and pre-marital counseling is very common and held as a belief to create a strong, Christian marriage where the bride and groom will commit to bringing up any children they have as Christians) just because you’re paying him to perform a service.

If you don’t want Christian beliefs pushed on you, you should not be asking a Christian minister to marry you, period. It’s part and parcel of a Christian ceremony that the minister actually believe the people he is marrying see marriage as a holy sacrament.

I’m not even Christian and I’m offended by your attitude!
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By ? on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

at teh end of the day it is your wedding, you need to do what make you adn your husband to be happy. the wedding is about you and really noone else. at teh end of the day it is only the two of you who are comming your lfes to one another and it has notheing to do with anyone else.

Everyone is entilieted to there opinon, but thats it, its just an opinon… let it go and do it your way!!!

you the one who will remeber it for the rest of your life.
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By pinkbec80 on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Firstly to those that are being utterly rude (iloveweddings) she is asking for help she may not be able to get it anywhere else.

It sounds like your future hubbies brother is have a digg at you to your partner. He is pretty much trying to blame you that he doesn’t attend church anymore and the likes. I would take a new direction and ask a local minister or a civil celebrant to do your service. You do not need that kind of hostility while you are planning a wedding.
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i am planning a wedding atm

By sden2616 on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Well, first, if you don’t want him preaching his religion at your wedding, you really need to find someone who will do a nondenominational wedding ceremony for you. I have found quite a few in my area, so hopefully it will be easy for you. Obviously his brother is going to bring religion into your ceremony or not want to do your ceremony at all if it is not in a church and does not discuss god, since that is what he, as a minister, believes in. Just don’t ask him to do the wedding ceremony, have him there as a guest and have someone do your ceremony the way you AND your fiance want it. Its that simple. You can’t really force his brother to perform a ceremony he doesnt feel comfortable doing.
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By PS L on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

You need to put your foot down on this. He needs to respect you as the bride. You may want to edit his speech and get your husband to say NO to him instead. It would be easier for him to and anyway, there’s no point in getting them mad at you before you become part of his family.

Let him understand that he will still be an integral part of your wedding but that you are more comfortable with something less religious. I once walked out on the minister’s speech during the ceremony coz I was so pissed off with him telling people that they would ‘burn in hell’ if they weren’t a Christian. If you’re friends are atheists as well, let him know that too. A wedding is suppose to be a happy and enjoyable event for everyone and that point has to be told. Good luck!
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My MUM IN LAW and her SIS were in charge of my wedding…so you can imagine….

By "Shakes" on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

well, you asked him to perform the ceremony, since he is religious man, I would say he’s entitled to give you his opinions, It’s also his job to encourage you to seek the religious path to your marriage. So really, you should have saw this one coming.
If it’s not that important to you to be married under religious circumstances why not nix it and just have a justice of the peace do it.
Whether you agree with him or not, it seems like he’s just doing his "job".
But if it’s not important to you, why be so defencive about it in the first place? This is the part where you smile and nod to make your fiance happy because it’s just as much his day as yours.
You’re not wrong to feel the way you do because it’s what you believe, but I think in the grand scheme of things, this one is pretty small.

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By karrie c on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

I would tell him that you understand his feelings and plan on having God in the ceremony, you just more of a civil ceremony. Let me know in the kindest way you know that you have different beliefs then he does(IF he doesn’t know them you don’t have to tell him). Inform him you will have counseling done(you can find ones that have very little religion in them), a lot of churches have them. If you don’t mind a few prayers not many. And if this does not work write out the ceremony yourself and tell him to just read it!!
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By Lydia on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

I suppose you just need to get someone to perform a civil ceremony.

I’m SO impressed with the words of your fiance’s brother, they are lovely!

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By Garnet Glitter on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

Simple…you soon to be brother in law has very strong religious convictions and he is letting you know he won;t compromise them…so you get some one else to officiate at your wedding..obviously he feels if he were to do it ‘your way’, which is your right, it will compromise his belief system and his e-mail is letting you know that, not pushing his belief system on either one of you…I assume the e-mail was to your fiance,who you say still believes……so accept that if you want it your way you’re gonna hafta get some one else to officiate….you’re not entitled to have your soon to be BIL do the ceremony, I’m sure you know that, it would be a favor from him however since he obviously feels it’s in conflict with his beliefs and his position it’s best to look else where for an officiate who will do it your way…good luck.
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By Leannain on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply

if you ask an ordained minister to conduct your service you are going to get god

Why not get a JP and have his brother say a blessing afterward
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