Can Internet Counseling Help Save your Relationship?
February 16th, 2010 | by admin |
There are few experiences better than being in a good relationship. Unfortunately, when problems develop, there are few experiences worse than being in a bad one.But there are always warning signs: a couple generally know when there is a problem, though they may do their best to avoid confronting it. The prospect of the immediate pain involved in confronting relationship difficulties often seems to be greater than the pleasure that you might get in the future if the relationship was working well.So the first step in sorting out your relationship is admitting there is a problem, and then thinking what you might do about it. If there’s no way you can sort it out yourself, then allowing a counselor to intervene may be the only way to save your relationship.Of course, counseling is not a cure-all, but a dispassionate third person can often help couples to find a way forward. The problem is that many people (and men in particular) are reluctant to seek the help of a counselor. One solution might be to turn to an internet service, where the stress of working through problems can be lower. Some websites, like ours, even offer counseling free of charge (our site is listed in the resource box with this article).Importantly, internet counseling is subject to the same codes of ethics and professional standards that office-based counselling abides by. The counsellor should treat the clients with respect and professionalism at all times, and make it clear what is on offer at the start of any intervention.
Relationships are complex, and as we all know, they sometimes go wrong. Here are some of the main reasons why things break down.High on the list must be unfaithfulness. When one partner, or even both, are having an affair, the atmosphere is not likely to be happy. Even when one of the partners goes to extreme lengths to cover up what he or she is doing, the other partner will sense some change in their attitude.Tension will be high: recrimination, blame and resentment will almost certainly dominate the exchanges between the two partners. Affairs do not usually have a happy ending – often the original relationship is the casualty. Certainly if a couple decide they want to stay stay together, they are going to need professional help to understand why one partner felt the need to seek sexual or emotional support outside their main relationship. Can this be done over the internet? Possibly, at least as a first step. Lack of commitment is another frequent cause of relationship problems. One partner may be putting much more time, effort, money and energy into the relationship than the other. Sooner or later this will cause a problem: for example, if one person wants to commit to children or even marriage, but the other does not.Emotions are complex, but the way we communicate them is often inadequate to really express how we’re feeling. So poor communication – or even no communication at all – is a primary cause of relationship difficulties. In one sense, of course, poor communication is at the root of all problems: if partners could talk freely about what was going on for them, with no fear of their partner’s reaction, then resentments and frustration would probably not build up in the first place. Even when one partner justifies their lack of communication on the basis of not wanting to offend, or “being considerate”, the process they’re embarking on is one that will end in miscommunication, frustration, lack of understanding and resentment. Simply talking and listening, without judgement or reaction, until your partner has adequately expressed him or herself, is one of the bedrocks of a great relationship.
If having an affair is the most likely cause of a relationship breaking up, then sex must be one of the most common causes of dissatisfaction. Or, rather, bad sex or the lack of sex, in one partner’s view. Rarely do two people find themselves with exactly the same viewpoint on sex as the years go by. Sex problems can be caused by high stress, which may reduce you or your partner’s sex drive; physical changes like lack of lubrication or erectile problems; boredom, if a couple never vary their sexual routine; age-related changes like the menopause in both men and women; and deeper questions about sexuality or sexual orientation.We have counselled many men and women on sexual issues, both within and outside a relationship. I’d say that sex is one area where internet counselling may be even better than face to face work, because it avoids the problems of embarrassment and fear that can confront someone when they talk about these incredibly personal issues face to face.Another common cause of relationship problems is money – in fact, it’s perhaps the most common thing about which couples argue. Money has real value and symbolic value for all of us, and what we see in the earning and spending power of money is not likely match our partner’s view of it. Nowadays, of course, money is even more important than it was in past generations, in the sense that more of us live on the thin line between solvency and financial problems. Again, getting advice on how to manage money within your relationship can be a valuable step to ensuring harmony in your home.In the end, no matter what the cause of your relationship difficulties, solving them comes down to this: are you willing to work at saving the relationship? Is it good enough and valuable enough for you to stay there? And if so, what will you do to make this happen? Getting some internet based counseling is a great first step that will help you see the issues more clearly and let you decide on your next steps.
Rod Phillips
http://www.articlesbase.com/sexuality-articles/can-internet-counseling-help-save-your-relationship-139985.html
21 Responses to “Can Internet Counseling Help Save your Relationship?”
By xoutsp0kenx on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
My boyfriend won’t quit looking at porn, he lies about it. Help!?
When I was six months pregnant, I caught my bf looking at porn. I told him how much it hurts me & makes me doubt myself. He promised he would stop, but I’ve caught him in his lies three times since. He thinks that clearing the internet history helps. Think again, he always forget one or two links in there. The last time we fought about it, he said that I don’t trust him. How can I when he lies about it even after promising to stop? I’ve told him he has an addiction & he tells me that is stupid. I’ve tried to talk him into counseling to save our relationship, but he says we don’t need it. I’m starting to think that the real problem is me & he doesn’t love me anymore. He says he does, but why doesn’t he respect me enough to stop? I feel as if I’m not good enough for him anymore, he makes me feel as if I’m ugly now. I can’t just leave him, for the sake of our son. I would rather fix the problem, and not walk away from it. It’s been a year since I caught him looking at it.
I will try counseling, new things in the bedroom, anything. I’m not willing to just walk away from him & have wasted three years of my life with this man. He is the father of my child. Why can he not respect the woman who gave birth to his son? The woman who he lost his virginity to? It is ruining our relationship! This morning when I found out he had been looking at it, I was more dissapointed than anything. Sicne our last fight we promised to eachother something. I promised to trust him more & never bring it up again, he promised to stop looking at it. Why is it tthat I have kept my promise…and he broke it? Can he not see how much it hurts me to see that I am not enough? It may be normal for guys to look at porn, but it is not right to lie to the woman you love about it & do it even if you know it hurts her! I will take any advice I can get. But please be respectful, I am so lost as to what to do now…
I have never looked at porn in my life, it’s gross. And no it is not right to do it, and lie about it. I have told him on many occasions, whatever you do tell me. I don’t care if he looks at it! I care that he chooses to lie about! I don’t deserve to be lied to after being together so long. And after have given him a child. Why does he lie about it, that’s the bullshit part.
I was never insecure until i found out what he was doing. So don’t say it’s my fault. And no I won’t put up with it. We both vowed to be loyal and not look at other people. So why does he get the right to break promises while I sit here changing diapers? Hell no.
I’m not pregnant anymore, my son is eight-moths-old… I’m hot again. =)
And no, porn is the only thing he lies about. Which is why I say it is an addiction. But he always denies looking at it & it being an addiction.
By Martin the baby on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
everybody likes porn, get used to it..you did it too in your past
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By fairy_dust on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
all guys look at porn, get used to it
please help my friend:
http://uk.answers.yahoo.com/question/?qid=20080613053617AAoQQEM
^ parents: would you let your 14 year old daughter date a 17 year old?
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By Jonathan on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Well…. Try talking too him and say if he reads it again I will leave you are something like that.
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By monkeydamour on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
It’s not a problem; every guy looks at it. It doesn’t have anything to do with how much he loves you. We’re just visual creatures.
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By Mr Anonymous on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Porn is the sort of thing that all, well most, guys do. If it is an addiction it is not a damaging one. I think if you have sex more it will draw him away from it. Other than that I really don’t know. You can try learning to accept it, but porn makes people feel inadequate. I wish I could help more.
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By Tjalling on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Some guys just can’t live without it, and there is absolutely nothing with it. Really.
But, I feel that if a wife tells her husband that she’s hurt by it, he should stop. Period.
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By ima bassman on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
It’s normal all guys look at porn, i don’t think there is anyhting wrong with your husband. And of course he is gonna lie it’s embarrasing.You should give him a break
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By BabeHeart on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Porn has nothing to do with you. Lying should be an issue, but it’s not his fault you are insecure so that’s something you need to work on within yourself.
You can either choose to stay and deal with the lying, accept that he likes porn and it’s no different than if you were to read a racy novel with explicit sex scenes, or move on.
As long as the porn doesn’t take away from time spent with you…or having sex with you, then it shouldn’t be an issue. It’s a common interest for men, and many women…a lot of people like to watch others having sex or behaving in an erotic way. It doesn’t mean they want to screw those people.
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By Swabbie on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
You have pretty much four choices…
1) Trust him and let it go.
2) Leave him next time you catch him doing it.
3) Put up with it as long as he remains truthful to you and doesn’t cheat on you (not counting looking at computer porn or magazines…).
4) Look at porn with him then have great sex after wards.
The way to handle it is purely up to you!
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By welder1matt on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
its normal and has nothing to do with u. . . just see if he will cut back some since it bothers u
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By gobonzzo on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Give him all the live porn he can handle. Get it right up into his face 24/7 and he won’t have time or desire to bother with internet porn. If you yell at him instead and cut back on sex for revenge then you are giving exactly the WRONG response, which is what women seem to do and then wonder why things get worse…duh duh duh.
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By maymay on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Although i hate to say this, it think you should kind of pretend to be oblivious about the porn for a while. With out even mention of porn, i think that you guys might want to get weekly couciling if you arent already. You are right in thinking that it would be more convenient and better if you stayed together for the sake of your son. But honestly, after a while if things are really not working, then even with your son, it isnt worth being miserable with someone you dont love. (if you do decide to break up it would be better i think to do it when your son is very, very little, and wont really remember it.) Parents splitting is scarring and makes children become adults before their time.
I really hope things work out, i truly mean that. I wish the best. : )
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By Mary G on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
This is a tough problem and a common one too. It all comes down to respect. He has to have respect for you and stop. End of story. If you smoked, he asked you to stop-you would do it, right? How would he like it if you decided to start spending your family’s money on porn for yourself? How would he like it if you snuck off and looked at other men on the computer, taking time out from stuff you need to do?
Works both ways. But you don’t want to play games, you just want to be respected. Looking at porn is a bachelor’s past-time.
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By kathy_is_a_nurse on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
While many men (and women) look at porn without harming their relationship, the fact that he does it KNOWING that it hurts you is more a sign of a problem, than the porn itself. The subterfuge and lying shows that he does not respect you… not the porn. Regardless of whether the porn is harmless or not, he does not respect you enough to stop, even though he knows that it hurts you. I would suggest the counseling from that perspective… Make the porn secondary. And you can also tell him… of course you don’t trust him… he’s lying to you and you have caught him in it. He now has to re-earn your trust.
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By askance on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
it has got nothing to do with his love for you…or you not satisfying him sexually….its the basic nature of guys…they get sexual thoughts once every 8 seconds…and some feel an urge to view porn to vent their feelings…he will still love you…there is no question of mis-trust here…
instead of fighting…try talking to him calmly and try to indulge in sexual talks / foreplay on a daily basis so that he is not drawn towards porn…
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By Luke on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
I think he should stop looking at porn. Don’t start thinking that because he looks at porn he doesn’t love you anymore either. Some relationships work with porn others don’t. Some accept it, others want it completely out of the relationship.
If you don’t like it because you don’t like it, then he should stop for your sake, and the sake of the relationship (big fights could come). But, if you don’t like it because you think it is harming the relationship, or his image of you, or whatever, the maybe you need to step back and discuss times when he can look at it. i mean, it might be you that has to accept it, because it is usually not a bad thing.
OMG Calm down please, i really feel for you but you have to be rational. You can’t call of this relationship over this incident. Councelling, mediation, anything, please dont end the relationship. And remember, keep posting about how it goes, cos we are listening to you on ths one, and need to know how it pans out.
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btw, i dont look at porn, but have in the passed. It is not necessary!!!
By Katie W on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
Denial of a problem is part of an addiction.
Most guys seem to love porn, but for some, it interferes with relationships and regular life. If he lies about it and hides it, and denies any problem while it’s causing trouble in the relationship, then that’s a pretty good sign either that he’s addicted, or he doesn’t value you much. Does he lie and hide anything else, or is the problem just the porn? That would narrow down which it is.
Just like any other addiction, you can’t fix it for him. If he were smoking and refused to stop for you, you can’t make him stop — he’d still sneak it when you weren’t looking .Or drinking. Or doing cocaine. Or compulsively watching porn. I might suggest looking around your area for support groups for partners of addicts, such as COSA (specificially for people with partners with sex addictions) or Al-Anon (for people with partners and families and friends of alcoholics, but works for other addictions too).
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By TuuR on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
It may not have anything to do with u, looking at porn is a way of getting ur fixe without cheating on ur partner maybe he does’nt find u atractive because ur pregnant, maybe he’l stop when u give birth to his child…
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By Lance k on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
i think hes addicted to it or you like it and are just trying to get a reaction or maybe it reminds you of something bad either way he needs consoling.
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By Roger Lathbury on Feb 16, 2010 | Reply
I’ve heard that this is a difficult issue for couples; you’re not the first person I know who had had the problem. The difference may be insoluable, but I can tell you, with fair certainty, that it is not because of any inadequacies in you, nor–hard as this may be to accept–is it because your partner does not love you.
Here is why I think men look at this stuff and women don’t. Women are more powerful than men in psychosexual relations. If the woman has no desire for sex, the man can’t force her, except in the most extreme and violent ways, which either constitute rape and/or an unsatisfactory experience for the man and woman. All of society tells a man that he is the leader, the macho one, the dominator; experience, on the other hand, proves it to be the contrary. That is ego-wounding.
Moreover, males can perform only three or four times a night, less as they grow older. Women, on the other hand, are capable of multiple orgasms. They are securer in sex than men are because they are controllers and self-sufficient ones at that.
Additionally, women are more delicately, finely tuned than men are. Sexual relations for women are more often (not always) allied with feelings of love and the heart for the other person. Men are quicker to arouse and can be less profoundly aroused than women are. Byron was right when he said, "Man’s love is of man’s life a part; ’tis a woman’s whole existence." (Byron was probably on the man’s side, but that is irrelevant.)
Then, too, the penis is an independent organ, and operates almost without the will of the man. Its state of arousal or nonarousal is evident; it is there to be seen. The clitoris, on the other hand, is hidden ("clitoris" is Greek for "secret"). Thus the woman’s arousal is hidden. Her feelings, her power is not evident. Feelings concealed are more potent and more under the control of the holder than feelings revealed. Score again for women.
This means that men, being weaker and feeling insecure, are more dominated by their fantasies than women are. Women’s fantasies are not less potent, but they are more tempered by the social conventions and they are less explicitly expressed. Pornography is a crude and regressive release for the feelings and insecurities of an unadapted and not fully matured person. (These people are almost always male: few women like pornography. They find it boring or repellent or both, as many men come to find it).
His looking at this junk probably does not mean something personal in your connection to your boyfriend. No one can say for sure at a distance. You two have a child, however, and so since you, whoever you are, seem from your question like a sensible and well controlled woman, I thought I would write all this for your sake and your son’s sake and your husband’s/boyfriend’s. It would help if he could manage not to look at what you find offensive, but perhaps, in line with a civilized and even ironic understanding, you might cut him a little slack without lying or denying your own feelings. I wouldn’t be too open about this, though, since you don’t want to give blanket permission (perhaps that goes without saying.)
Luck.
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